Angries Horrorscope

Today, dear Angries, the universe will challenge your patience with the cosmic equivalent of a phone on 1% battery—endlessly persistent and always at the least convenient moment. Mundane irritations will pop up like whack-a-mole, and you, noble Ram-Pager, will wield your sacred mallet of minor outrage. Beware of technology; even your toaster may conspire against you, lightly over-browning your bread as a subtle act of defiance.

In interactions with fellow mortals, expect miscommunications sent from the stars, or at least Mercury's less-intelligent cousin. The temptation to voice your complaints in increasingly long-winded voice notes will be strong—but remember, sometimes silence is more unnerving than a tirade. You might even derive a peculiar satisfaction from watching the world fumble about, almost as if the chaos was orchestrated just for your viewing pleasure. (It was. You're welcome.)

This evening, consider embracing the futility of control by staring out a window and contemplating the meaningless persistence of traffic. Inspiration—or confirmation of your suspicions about the hopelessness of it all—will find you there. Take solace in knowing the stars secretly admire your commitment to principled tantrums in the face of life’s tiny absurdities.