Cancern Horrorscope
Updated daily at midnight
June 21 - July 22
Emotionally sensitive, easily spooked by sudden noises or unexpected emails. Retreats into its shell (duvet).
Today, Cancern, the universe has chosen you as the unsuspecting protagonist in a cosmic horror novella. You may feel a growing urge to retreat into your comfort shell at the faintest whisper or the arrival of an email marked 'Urgent.' Astrologers recommend triple-checking your locks—not for burglars, but for existential dread that tends to slip through the cracks around midday.
Conversations with relatives will be especially potent emotional minefields. If someone mentions, "You seem quiet lately," this is your cue to invent a reason to verify the structural integrity of your duvet cocoon. Remember: underwater, no one can hear your Netflix-backed sobbing.
Mysterious noises in your home should be investigated with caution. Spoiler: it’s just the existential void echoing through your pipes. You’ll find solace in shy spots—the back row of a cinema, under your desk, or possibly in an elaborate pillow fort you’ll swear is 'just for napping.'
If you catch a glimpse of yourself in the bathroom mirror and flinch, don’t worry: that haunting specter is only your own reflection questioning all your life choices. Be gentle with yourself, Crabby Cryptid—you’re the main character in your own mildly supernatural sitcom.