Capricorpse Horrorscope
Updated daily at midnight
December 22 - January 19
Haunted by deadlines and the ghost of productivity past. Ambitious, but mostly ambitious about getting enough sleep.
Oh, Capricorpse, today's productivity specter looms large, whispering powerpoints and spreadsheets into your ear. You may find yourself haunted by unfinished to-do lists from 2017, so beware the sudden chill when you open your email—it's only the ghost of follow-ups past come to remind you that no task is ever truly completed, just left dormant for eternity.
Your ambition today will briefly flicker like a dying fluorescent light in a forgotten office. While others chase glory, you chase REM sleep. Unfortunately, both will elude you. You might be tempted to nap at your desk or under it; sadly, cubicle ghosts are notorious for judging sleeping mortals.
Resist the urge to organize your calendar a seventh time and embrace entropy—let your pens roll away unsupervised. At some point, someone will mistake your existential sighs for deep wisdom. Let them. It's easier than explaining the crushing weight of unfiled expense reports pressing down on your metaphysical shoulders.