Capricorpse Horrorscope

Oh, Capricorpse, the specter of responsibility rattles its chains incessantly outside your office door—if you can call the corner of your bed with the laptop on your knees an "office." Today, productivity will haunt your every waking moment, issuing vague to-do lists in cryptic handwriting you once recognized as your own. The ghost of unfinished business presses gently on your shoulder, right next to that persistent, imaginary caffeine IV.

As deadlines loom like hungry phantoms, you may experience a truly supernatural event: a break. Beware, though—the mere act of rest could summon unnatural guilt from the ancient ruins of your ambition. If you find yourself inexplicably searching for misplaced files that never existed, chalk it up to astral mismanagement and move on with your day.

The world offers you opportunities if only you could stay conscious long enough to accept them. Watch for spectral co-workers who appear only to ask about that project you were supposed to finish last autumn. Answer with confidence; remember, no one can see sweat stains on a Zoom call.