Leono Horrorscope

Ah, Leono, Sovereign of Solar Spotlights and Monarch of Moderately Catastrophic Mondays. Today, you’ll discover that the universe is not, in fact, a stage built exclusively for your soliloquies. But no worries—your dramatic flair survives, even when narrating your existential ennui to the toaster.

Minor inconveniences shall, unsurprisingly, feel like cosmic betrayals: expect your phone charger to break at 2% battery, your keys to migrate to the underworld (or under your couch), and your self-pity to be met with the thunderous applause of silence.

Brace for a mysterious stranger to compliment your shoes, only to add, “They look haunted.” Try not to let their spectral shoe-shaming derail your carefully curated aura of theatrical despair. The world may not revolve around you, but it does occasionally spin out of control just to see your reaction.

In the grand theater of existence, remember: Sometimes the spotlight is actually an oncoming existential train. Smile enigmatically and deliver your closing monologue regardless.