Sagitterror Horrorscope

Ah, Sagitterror, today the universe graciously lays out its banana peels just for you. Your path is littered with invisible obstacles, none of which are real except for the bruises to your pride. An optimistic morning stroll may result in a surprise encounter with an unseen coffee table, reminding you that gravity loves you—clumsily and without end.

Your relentless enthusiasm will draw you toward opportunities that look friendly from a distance but reek faintly of hospital disinfectant up close. Do not be dissuaded by the mocking laughter of ghosts in the photocopier; they only wish they had corporeal forms to bruise.

This evening, when you recount your misadventures to sympathetic plants (or whichever housemates still tolerate you), expect a revelation: all accidents are cosmic messages, albeit in a language best read with ice packs and self-deprecating humor. Each stubbed toe is an astral nudge urging you to watch where you're going—in every sense.

Remember: even if you trip over thin air, the fall is as meaningful as the landing. Or so the stars claim, as they snicker behind interstellar hands.