Sagitterror Horrorscope

Today, Sagitterror, gravity will demonstrate an unusual affection for you. The floor is feeling personally slighted and will do everything in its power to reintroduce itself to your shins, elbows, and—if you’re brave—your ego. Remember: doorways aren’t suggestions, so try not to walk through the wall beside them.

Your optimism, while admirable, is the universe’s favorite plaything. Expect encouragement from strange corners—a mysterious wind will open a door just as you lean on it, and your coffee cup may leap from your hand to freedom. Interpret these signs as the cosmos reminding you that, yes, you’re very much alive (and bruisable).

On a brighter note (which is saying something), you may stumble into a serendipitous conversation or discover a forgotten five-dollar bill—right after you fall on it. Use these accidental blessings as reminders that sometimes, bliss comes in messy packaging, usually via your own blunders.

In matters of the heart, avoid grand gestures involving moving vehicles, slippery sidewalks, or open flames. Your loved ones will appreciate your affection most if it’s delivered upright and uncombusted.