Scorpianxiety Horrorscope

Ah, Scorpianxiety, the Secretive Spectre—today, your aura is less "mysterious stranger in the night" and more "paranoid squirrel double-checking its nut stash." You'll find your thoughts preoccupied with all the doors you may or may not have locked, both literal and metaphysical. Try not to spiral too hard when you hear a mysterious creak: it’s probably the ghost of old grudges—your favourite houseguest.

Expect great tension between your desire to control every variable and the universe's homicidal indifference to your plans. Afraid you offended your toaster by not cleaning out the crumbs? You probably did. It’s plotting your breakfast’s undoing even now. Today’s cosmic energy shines brightest on those who can confront their petty vendettas against household objects with unflinching intensity—if you have to glare at a particularly smug mug, so be it.

Relationships may feel fraught, as friends and loved ones continue to exist out there… unsupervised. Resist the urge to inspect everyone’s intentions under a blacklight; you’ll only find stains you weren’t ready to see. Remember: sometimes, a strange feeling is just last night’s leftovers haunting you, not a psychic premonition (probably).

This evening, indulge in your signature ritual of triple-checking everything. Why only suffer in silence when you could also suffer in the glow of existential dread? Sweet dreams, Secretive Spectre—the door may or may not be locked, but your anxieties always are.